I was SO excited the other day when I went into Wal-Mart and ran across a small, uncomplicated afghan pattern book, because after learning to crochet about 15 years ago, I was ready to pick it up again and keep being was creatively active as possible. At first, I was blown away by the short-hand they used in the pattern book, but after a little patience I begin to decipher and had completed my first 10 rows. BUT something was NOT quite right... for some reason, my blanket was taking on an angled appearance, so I counted the number of stitches in the first row and then the number of stitches in the last row I completed and realized that somehow I had been adding extra stitches on to every row. Well, my perfectionist nature was quite frustrated and first, as you can well imagine! I had go back and count the stitches in each row until I found where I had deviated from the pattern and get back on track. In the midst of pulling the yarn out, I made another mistake and did not wind the yarn in a neat fashion and ended up with a tangled mess. This was mistake number two and I spent hours trying to unwind that mess before I just let the mess go and cut it off and started with another skein of yarn.
Perfectionism...the angst of anyone who ends up with a chronic illness and desires to be the best mother, wife, Christian.... CONFESSION time.... my house is not clean all the time, there are loads of laundry to do AND I do not get dinner made every night!! Most days I feel like I fall so far short of what God wants me to be in Proverbs 31 that I am frustrated and feel guilty. I still do not, on most days, fully accept that I have an illness that has radically altered my ability to function on all cylinders. It is simply not possibly. But, my mind says "All things are possible through Him"....so I ought to, right?? I guess I don't have enough faith, right? I guess I am falling short in come capacity in my Christian walk or I would be able to just push through and be the Keeper of my Home that I was before this disease begin to ravage the inside (and a few spots on the outside) of my body. Do I truly believe that what Christ wants me to believe?
If I have asked on more than one occasion to be healed and healing has not come, then I must believe that God is allowing this disease to continue for the time being. My final healing may not come until I am in heaven. I believe He is the Great Physician and could but speak a word and I would be restored. Instead, I must choose to look for the reasons, the purposes and believe wholeheartedly that He will never change from who is He has said He will be from now until the end of time.
Where do I start redoing my ability to be the most excellent keeper of my home that I can be. See I am called to be so much more than JUST a cook, cleaner and maid, which is how I used to view my jobs at home.... let me share what God says on the matter
Titus 2:3-5 "Older women, likewise are to reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored."
In other words, not only do we do the acts of service at home, but we are to be loving, to be kind, to be pure and then to teach our young women these things as well... WOW! How awesome is all this and what a blessing!
Ladies, your jobs are SO important whether you have a chronic illness or not! God has not left you! When I first discovered how important my work at home was to my Heavenly Father, I was NOT completely sick yet... I was getting there...but He allowed me to sit under an awesome teacher and be taught about being content. It will take relying on Jesus heavily each and every day, Jesus says:
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my load is light"
We are also told to ask for wisdom and it will be given to us.
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach and it shall be given to him."
When we are diagnosed we are just overwhelmed! We do not know what it all means. How will we be the wife, the mother, the single mother, the grandmother, whatever our role is at that time....Ask God to help you for wisdom and start your day with Him. My first bit of advice is you are still just as worthy as you were, give your weariness to Jesus and He will refresh you, and the wisdom we need is found in Him. I would be remiss if I did not say to try and start your day with Him.
Blessings my sweet friends!
Only by HIS grace do I stand!
Diane
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